Je ne sais

It’s that certain something 

That  the French call 

Je ne sais quoi 

Translated literally is 

I don’t know what 

An indefinable quality 

that makes you distinctive or attractive

A uniqueness that 

Doesn’t have a name 

it’s that same quality

That I can’t put my finger on 

That makes it 

Impossible for me 

to forget you 

I am still

And I realized 

I hadn’t been gentle 

With myself through all of this 

To others I would say 

“Let the tears out! Cry! 

Scream away the pain”

But for myself I wasn’t doing these things 

I was holding it all in

And drying each tear before it fell

Pretending I was fine 

Trying to be okay 

When inside my heart had been crushed

And my mind was twisted 

And my head was going to explode

From the pressure 

Of bottling all of that desperate sadness 

But then I realized that 

For me 

It was kind of like walking 

On broken glass 

Or hot coals 

A deliberate induction 

Of the worst kind of pain 

If only to prove I could bear it

And at some point I knew 

That I had come out of this ok

Because I had come out of this 

Yes, I was hurting 

And I’ll never be the same 

As I was going in

This heart is bruised 

But the soul is strong

And I am still here 

Yes, I am still here 

How have you been?

You are not allowed to ask me

How I’ve been

Because you know how I’ve been 

You put me here 

You made me sad

And lonely and sick 

And you caused this heart ache 

And confusion and pain

You closed off and walked away

And cut me out of

Your life

Even though you know

I’m supposed to be in it 

You’re not allowed to break a heart

And then ask if it hurts

And you’re not allowed 

To show you care 

When you know I’m crying

And all I need is your hug 

Insanity

I can’t 

Put this puzzle together

Because I don’t have all of 

The pieces 

And I’m getting snippets of info

That I’m forced to translate

Cypher, symbol, code

Spelled backwards 

Names, places dates 

Omissions, deletions, repeats 

I get the message

Before it fades  but 

While my head is  spinning 

I’ve been chasing my tail

Trying to make this make sense 

This knowing not-knowing 

Is driving me insane 

Some one else

I’m tired of seeing your smile

On every other man’s face

Hearing your voice in the whispers 

And listening to the things you’ve said 

From someone else’s mouth 

Clouds too

The clouds rain, too

When  things get heavy

 Maybe this will never

 Go away 

Force

The magnetic pull that draws our hearts is stronger than any of the most formidable forces

Wail

So she walked to the woods

And deep in the forest 

Let out a soul piercing wail

The ground shook

Trees swayed 

And little creatures  

Popped out of their Burrows

Nodded “you’ll be ok”

And just then the wind picked up

Howling through the birch tops 

Strong fierce gusts 

Speaking what was in her soul 

And the clouds opened

And the rains fell

Torrential downpours 

Stopping to trickle

Down her salty cheek

Resting on her quivering lips 

Before washing the ground 

Beneath her 

Stronger

They say love hurts and 

Break ups suck 

But you never believe 

Until it happens to you 

That a broken heart truly does ache 

And being love sick can

Actually make you nauseous 

It’s not supposed to feel good 

It’s supposed to be uncomfortable 

All of the things that make you grow are painful 

But nobody expects it 

To  feel like this :

Wretched 

Empty 

Heart sick

Cold

Lonely, despondent 

Despair 

Tired, headache

Vomiting ,  wrenching 

Confusion, head spinning

Madness 

They say Love  hurts and Break ups suck
and all of the things that make you grow are painful

But 
That which didn’t kill me

Made me stronger 

Love or money?

Someone asked me once

Not long before I met you

Whether I’d rather have love or money

I said money

Mostly because

I've lived

my life without it

And I’d always imagined

Nay, daydreamed

Of how wonderful it would be

To finally have enough

All the troubles would be gone

The freedom that having enough of it

Would bring

The lifestyle I had

Always imagined

But then I met you

And I changed my mind quickly

Saying, now that I’d found you

I’d rather have you

 than All the money in the world

This feeling - the safety

The bliss and belonging

Our connection

Was worth more than

A thousand piles of gold

And That being poor

Would be okay

Just as long as I had you

Together, it wouldn't be so bad

I finally understood

What all the love songs

Were about

All the poems

And the Rom-coms

Were talking about us!

But then I lost you

And the feelings

Far worse than being poor

Or being hungry

Or homeless

Or broke

Left me shattered

Lifeless, a lump on the floor

Unable to pick myself up

Despite the will to do so

So if you asked me

today

Whether I’d rather

have love or money

I wouldn’t hesitate

Or ponder in giving an answer

I wouldn’t choose love

Because love goes away

And I can’t bear

To ever feel this way again

Love hurts

Love burns pieces of your soul

When the one you love

Isn’t here , anymore

It takes more than it had given

And the scars

May never heal

So if you asked me right now

“would you rather have love

Or money?”

No! I wouldn’t choose love

Id take money

Every time

Because that means

I’d never have

To feel this pain again

Syndrome

Why does the absence 

Of one person

Cause such an immense 

And gaping hole 

In my being ?

Why, when months ago

I didn’t even know 

He existed 

Does the thought 

Of never seeing him again

Cause such a pain 

In my heart?

Is it Broken heart syndrome

Triggered by stressful situations 

Like losing someone you love 

Left ventricle weakens 

Arteries spasm 

And the muscle itself swells

Causing a pain that mimics 

A heart attack 

Chest tightens and 

Shortness of breath 

You feel like you’re dying 

But you’re not 

Heal me

I don’t know what I am supposed to do

To feel better.  Do I talk to people?

It helps for a moment

Do I cry and cry and cry?

Do I get angry? And yell at you

And call you an Asshole?

Yes, that does bring

A sense of relief

Do I ignore all of these feelings

And go about my day

Pretending I am ok, and put on a happy face?

This works, too for  time.

But none of this brings the kind of relief

I am seeking

These are temporary solutions

To an enormous problem

I have made for myself

The only real fix I can seem to imagine

Is to be in your arms once more

That would fix this, that would fix me

That would make this go away

But since that isn’t possible

Not now, or not ever

I don’t know what I am supposed to do

I don’t know how to fix this

I’m a healer and

I don’t know how to heal me

The hard part

Finding each other 

was the hard part 

In a world full of people

So far away

So many stars to align 

To make the connection 

People, places, dates 

Perhaps the dreamer 

Forged ahead

Scouted the connection

Followed the red string

From his wrist to hers 

Forced alignments 

(A little too soon?)

And the material selves 

Couldn’t keep up 

To the magic they’d made

On the other side 

This was how it was always supposed to be 

Until it wasn’t 

Perfect until it was broken 

Lovely until it was ugly

Healthy until it became toxic 

Yet, Finding each other was 

the easy part 

The work was in  the Learning 

to drop all the fears 

and speak straight from  heart

the only way

Is to open yourself up

To the love 

I still see it happening 

exactly that way 

But this time, it’s slower

Balanced and steady 

When the stars re align 

Fears drop and focus shifts 

Finding each other 

Is  always the hard part 

in a world full of people

The rest is just 

The cherry on top 

Smash my head

Its like smashing your head

Into a brick wall

It doesn’t hurt as much anymore 

When you stop 

Ramming the cinder blocks

But the pain is still there

Perhaps duller 

More of a throb 

Than a hurt

So too, when I 

Look at your photos

For the moment

There’s a brief sense of relief 

Just seeing your face

Feeling the energy

That my body remembers 

From your touch 

And the warmth of your hug

But then

All too soon

I smash my head against

The wall again

Purposeful and deliberate 

Like ripping a scab off

Before the wound has properly healed 

Sometimes it’s better

To feel a little pain

Than to feel 

The nothingness

Of losing you 

Mistake

I keep waiting for the day that

I wake up 

And I think of 

Someone other than you 

That I don’t wake up sad 

Or missing you

Or hopeful that you’ve changed your mind 

Or that I send the message

And it does go through 

That red exclamation point 

Is gone 

And you respond with 

“I miss you Too, babe.

I’m sorry”

And that’s all it would take for me

I wouldn’t need any more 

No explanation 

No back story

No answers 

Or fill in the blanks 

Right now my heart needs more 

And my mind needs 

Something to hang on to 

To make this all make sense

But if you answer

Or reply

Then I wouldn’t need anything else 

Because then 

This was all a just big mistake 

And we can get back to 

How it was 

And how it was always 

Supposed to be 

Better this way?

Sun, warm on my cheek
Heating the top of my head 
As dragon flies swoop and dive 
A small puppy waddles 
Loses balance and topples
Somersaulting in
The fresh cut grass 
Reminds me that 
A change of perspective 
Is sometimes needed 
To wipe the tears away 
I still miss you and I still 
Love you but 
Maybe it’s better this way

His voice

There are voice clips

That she saved 

That she knows she shouldn’t 

listen to

His I love yous

And his no matter what’s 

She can’t bear to delete them 

And yet she can’t bear to hear

Because his voice

While familiar and 

Comfortable 

And Home 

 makes her heart 

Feel full

Her body weak 

And her entire being 

Quake as the 

Vibration of his soul

Runs through her 

Yet the sound of his 

Voice

I love you 

I’d marry you 

 brings the worst 

Kind of 

Soul churning

pain

She’s felt

How?

And she wonders how

After such a short time

He made his way 

Under her skin 

Into her heart

Body and soul 

And it’s confusing

To her

That someone so close

Can suddenly feel so far away

And she feels empty inside

After feeling so full

And whole and complete 

And safe 

And it hurts her to know

That she may never

See his face again

And his smile as he laughs 

Ear to ear 

Or hear his breath

As she watches his chest heave

As he lays beside her 

Asleep