Fake

Distractions 

Keep my focus

Away from him 

To the point 

That I almost 

believe it myself 

I’m over it

I’m over him!

I say. 

But days like today

When that unseen force

Makes me listen to his voice

Over and over again 

“No matter what. 

No matter what!”

I am not over him 

And I miss him 

I miss his voice 

His smile 

The sparkle in his eyes 

That I have been trying to find 

In someone else’s face 

But failing 

And I am not strong 

As I’m pretending to be 

This fake it til ya make it

Surely works most days 

But it doesn’t work today

And today I’m tired of 

Faking it 

And today I’m tired 

of trying 

To make it 

Without him 

Bask

Another week goes by 

As they have since it ended 

And I cry less than I did 

In fact, I go days without having

To wipe the  tears 

I don’t wake up 

Thinking about you 

At five o clock in the morning 

And when you do cross my mind 

The memories are fleeting 

And the need to know has dwindled 

To indifference 

Sadness replaced with 

Forced smiles and laughter 

Confusion with a 

Chilly  not knowing 

The empty spaces 
that once held you  
have been filled 

— With things 

The silence replaced 

With faceless voices

And names on a page 

There have been many more 

Good days than bad 

More smiles than tear drops 

And less laying awake

Thinking of you 
and watching the clock tick 

Your absence is no longer 

A gut wrenching pain 

But still, every once in a while 

As I stare out the window 

I catch myself saying 

Your name out loud

And I, for a moment,bask 
in the comfort 

Of that sound 

Je ne sais

It’s that certain something 

That  the French call 

Je ne sais quoi 

Translated literally is 

I don’t know what 

An indefinable quality 

that makes you distinctive or attractive

A uniqueness that 

Doesn’t have a name 

it’s that same quality

That I can’t put my finger on 

That makes it 

Impossible for me 

to forget you 

I am still

And I realized 

I hadn’t been gentle 

With myself through all of this 

To others I would say 

“Let the tears out! Cry! 

Scream away the pain”

But for myself I wasn’t doing these things 

I was holding it all in

And drying each tear before it fell

Pretending I was fine 

Trying to be okay 

When inside my heart had been crushed

And my mind was twisted 

And my head was going to explode

From the pressure 

Of bottling all of that desperate sadness 

But then I realized that 

For me 

It was kind of like walking 

On broken glass 

Or hot coals 

A deliberate induction 

Of the worst kind of pain 

If only to prove I could bear it

And at some point I knew 

That I had come out of this ok

Because I had come out of this 

Yes, I was hurting 

And I’ll never be the same 

As I was going in

This heart is bruised 

But the soul is strong

And I am still here 

Yes, I am still here 

How have you been?

You are not allowed to ask me

How I’ve been

Because you know how I’ve been 

You put me here 

You made me sad

And lonely and sick 

And you caused this heart ache 

And confusion and pain

You closed off and walked away

And cut me out of

Your life

Even though you know

I’m supposed to be in it 

You’re not allowed to break a heart

And then ask if it hurts

And you’re not allowed 

To show you care 

When you know I’m crying

And all I need is your hug 

Insanity

I can’t 

Put this puzzle together

Because I don’t have all of 

The pieces 

And I’m getting snippets of info

That I’m forced to translate

Cypher, symbol, code

Spelled backwards 

Names, places dates 

Omissions, deletions, repeats 

I get the message

Before it fades  but 

While my head is  spinning 

I’ve been chasing my tail

Trying to make this make sense 

This knowing not-knowing 

Is driving me insane 

Some one else

I’m tired of seeing your smile

On every other man’s face

Hearing your voice in the whispers 

And listening to the things you’ve said 

From someone else’s mouth